Below are the 13 most recent journal entries recorded in Thunderlion's LiveJournal:

Wednesday, November 20th, 2002
1:07 am	I feel I have cut myself sufficently from the furry world. I am not levels happier, but I am surrounded by influences ten times more positive than the furry internet community could provide. I have accomplished a major goal of breaking from a non-illegal drug habit and I guess my body is seeing the rewards. I'm especially happy i have the willpower to quit such a powerful drug even tho my bf uses it constantly every day. I am now needing to focus my will power on seeking future careers- i can go into multiple fields of medicine, pharmacy, and psychology. I'm even tinkering with the idea of physical therapy. I just read an old friend's lj about a sex experience gone horribly wrong- sorry bout that. I've had trouble with someone i deeply cared about and had to say "NO" to him well over 15 times and I kinda feel for ya. I've lost faith in gays in general being decent human beings. Just know that few decent gays still exist, they're just harder to find and looking in places you least expect might procure some of the most beautiful human beings. I'm beginning to wonder if church organizations and such with positive goals are full of awesome people. Maybe I should look into that. I don't need a group to bring me to God, I just want to surround myself with good people. Maybe I'll pray to God. I'm not very religious, but when I ask of something that I feel is important and worthy- He helps. No bullshitting on that one. So now I'm debating on whether to take a leap of faith and choose a new lifestyle that has me independent from a loving partner- one that would force me to meet new people- hopefully ones that are a lot better people than the people i have come to know in college. My other choice is to stay with kurt and hope things get better. It feels like an age old dillema for me that will never get solved in my head and that inevitably we'll break up. As a note to myself for record keeping- i'm against the whole idea of the war. I probably don't know mostly what is really going on and am being duped by the media but givent he CIA reports and all that good stuff- we don't need to go to war and I'm positive the rest of the world thinks the US are complete assholes enough as it is. Lets put the shitload of wasted money form the military into alternative fuel research- we're making advances still and lets pull the fuck out of the middle east ASAP. Why the hell does anyone need to die? and by friendly fire? I'm not sure which is more retarded. Well, I'm feeling a tiny bt better after writing this to purge some stuff off my mind- which is what i percieve this tool is for. Digging out some gunk and laying it out in front of me. I just don't like the self-editing i do because i know others read it. fin (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 26th, 2002
3:32 am	Smile :) (Comment on this)
Friday, August 16th, 2002
2:19 pm	I still exist :P For the few friends that read this- i'm still here, just been rearranging my priorities and trying to better myself. I been working out a lot and dedicating myself to a healthier lifestyle. I've been staying away from furry net outlets as much as i can. I 've been much happier for it, furrydom has become a bad force in my life as people either want in my pants, want me to help them get off, or need a talk down from suicide. Furrydom hasn't offered me something positive after i accepted being gay- ever since then it's been bad in general. I had a talk with my bf last night and it shook him up a bit. He hasn't done hardly anything with his life over the last 3 years since i've been with him. I told him out of love that he might regret his life years down the road for not doing anything. This time it might have sunk in. He turns 21 tomorrow and I hope that after we get back from Vegas he will dedicate himself to some worthy cause. My biggest goal now i think will be to try and immerse myself socially into this world and get back into the swing of life and having a good personality. All of this sheltering and staying home with my bf has made me socially retarded to some extent. It's embarrasing. I'm better off than most furs in this respect but that's not saying much. My mom told me the other day "Stop being so negative, nothing bad has ever happened to you" No, nothing bad has ever happened to me. I was mentally abused by my mother and was rejected help from my family when i pleaded for help, i've had to live in a secret (being gay) for the last 4 years that has my family thinking i'm strange because my life doesn't make much sense to them, i was nothing but a sexual object in some of my first few relationships (not talkin bout you, kyle), i pushed myself so hard in school that i was a few days from a complete nervous breakdown, i was forced to play football and developed OCDisms while i played it. (They're gone thank god) I will probably never see my blood related family. These are insiginificant problems that i have overcome and have made me stronger but more bitter. People have been horribly sexually molested, people can't walk, people have been burned physically, people have lost their families, people get diseases like schizophrenia, people have aids, people lose families members tragically, mothers lose their children. There is much more suffering in this world than i have gone through and i should learn to be immensely happy with what i have. So what if i've got a small gut and am starting to bald. I need to stop being so vain. I should be out at children's hospitals performing magic tricks to children- trying to change the world in the most infantesmal (sp) way i can. It's all of those deeds, one person at a time that makes this world a better place to live in. It's that one person at work who is nice to you, or that one professor who is understanding and willing to help that makes a bad or ordinary day easier to live in- in turn you might be nicer to the next person- it's like the anti-rage mecanism like how people say aggression is passed formt he work place and ends up as road rage or at the home. So now i must take the most important lesson i have learned in my life and try and apply it. You can't change the past, so suck it up and make yourself a stronger person from it. Thankfully, getting up after i've been knocked down is one of my strongest traits. I just have to work on getting up and then healing. Maybe i'm wrong here, but if you're reading this- ask yourself. How has furry helped you? Is it still helping? Is it still fun? Is it hurting you in any way? Are these the best people to have in your social network? Should your best friends live hundreds and thousands of miles away, or TRULY be there for you, help you, and care for you? Take care my friends and be a positive force in this world :) (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 27th, 2002
8:49 pm	I'm doing a bit better in all i suppose. i have cut down considerably on my internet time to be more productive. Most of this time is now directed to kurt and the gym. So He's a bit more happy and my bod is hopefully improving. Still got a bit of a spare tire, but everything else seems to be firming up. I've got clear workout goals, which is helping a bit. I guess kurt and I are maxing on bench next month so that should be fun, I'm hoping for at least 315--345, which wouldn't be bad considering i've only been working out for 2 months so far. I like the crowd at the gym, not many seem roidy or too stuck up. I've been running like a fiend, now up to 4-5 times a week for 40 minutes. It's hard to tell how much fat i'm loosing cuz i'm packing on muscle at the same time. School kinda sucks ass but at least i'm doing good, today i ditched for the first time this semester to sleep in, but i needed it. I got to get cracking on my honor's thesis, but it's such a bitch doing all of this on self-regulation when you're used to people setting due dates to help you along to getting done it time. I'm horrible at procrastinating anyway. I'm working on my VITA for grad school now, realizing i need to add some activites and stuff to beef it up. What sucks more is that i am realizing that I have to choose between med school and grad school really quickly and i'm still clueless on what to do in that repsect. I think i'll get a summer job somehow involving either of the two to help make up my mind but i have to start researching schools NOW if i want to start my next school in 2003. Damn this sucks, but that's life. Kurt and I are doing better on the whole, he just asked if he could see my live journal, but It's better that i discuss these things with him, and I need to work on telling him what really bugs me in me life. Hmm, i guess I'm ready to come out, I seem to be relatively stable so i guess now is better than ever. I should get my butt in gear and check out getting some anti-depressives because i'm probably going to need them in the time coming. If i have depression, it's mild, but still there- what i notice most is my blunted affect, nothing gets me happy and I don't worry about things like i used to. I'm not mopey and sit on my ass-ish- but it's hard to explain. Working out i think is giving me a bit of a kick i need with the health benefits, not to mention my self esteem is going up. It's always weird ending these things because you're addressing yourself and possibly others O.o. I think i'll just write fin from now on. fin (Comment on this)
8:30 pm	Which Lion King Character Are You? Created by CrazyCoasterCo. (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 10th, 2002
3:18 am	I think I'm nearing my limit on how much more I can take with my relationship. I either need to change or sometihng in the relationship itself needs to change. Kurt is fine because that is who he is and I can't ask of him to change- especially because it won't hapen. I come home often and zip straight to my computer- talk with online friends. Kurt feels ignored no doubt- but i feel i can't devote every free second i have to him. I need breaks, but what ends up happening is that i enjoy my ol time even more and spend way too much time on it. Tonight we went out to a gay club for afterhours- I found myself lusting after a few of the cute ones, thinking to myself- I feel this way about men and there's no end of the same thing for women, they jsut don't do it for me. I did some heavy thinking while listening to the music, which i liked but am upset that ican't dance and am too self-conscous to dance. It's times like tonight where my existence becomes painful as too many cues pop up that depress me. I am not a depressive person, but I hate how i'm trying to have a good time and this shit pops in my head. I can't remember them all, but a few re-occuring ones are that i'm not living my life up enough- I've felt this way too many tims over the last 2 years. I can't blame kurt for this, only myself in truth. I feel locked in this relationship- can't go out- can't make friends which i want badly. Real life friends have been burning me too badly. My latest loss of a friend owes me over 200$, it's hard to say he was a friend to begin with. He had the worst set of listening ears known to man. I'd be better off talking to my dogs that i used to have- no joke. My re-occuring self theme seems to be "Damned if i do, damned if i don't" So the only thing i feel i can take control of my life right now is tryingt o improve my body. I feel positive about myself after i start to see results. Not to mention i can take pride in something i'm working hard at again. School has just about lost it for me. I can no longer take a class that doesn't interest me and blindly go through it, practically acing it without caring what i learned about. My time seems more precious to me now, and i feel like i am wasting it. Things that seem to bad with my relationship are these walls that i seem to be continually running into. I want more friends- i state that i do to kurt- and yet every time after i tell him, i have no new friends. I will admit that i am excellent in making friends when i am single- the necessity builds up and I make them quickly. The friends i have lost were pretty shitty to start with- digging within the gay community or the furry community is somewhat of diggin from the bottom of the pile. Sadly i belong to both groups. Even more sadly, both are too ingrained into my life that i don't know if i can dump either and live happily. Another wall is me getting very horny and not finding kurt as the release i want. I wish i could alter myself somehow to find him attractive near the same level i first fell in love with him. I'm scared that I lock myself into some kind of a cycle where i have frequent sex with someone after first meeting them and then after so many months, my interest drops and i can't seem to pick it back up. Kurt is one of the few men i've founf extremely attractive, but i don't wher eit went and wish to God it would come back to me. If i could live happily without sex- i'd do so, in a heartbeat. It would solve many of my problems. Uhgg i better go to bed, i feel better after getting some of this off my chest but i'm exhausted. Have to go down to tucson, it's gonna suck, but oh well. Here's a positive note at least, i managed to handle bench pressing 235 with control today, so i felt powerful somewhat like i used to in high school. I hope i can keep it up and reach my goal of being able to do 275-300 with nice control. fin (Comment on this)
Friday, March 8th, 2002
8:33 pm	Blue balls. This is only the second time i've had them. Damn they hurt. Anyhow i got them from abstaning from any kind of sex since monday and after doing a lil ts session witha certain lionfox, well- they hurt badly. Tomorrow or tonight i hope they will be relieved :P My poor bf has no idea what i'm up to, but i think he'll be pleasantly surprised when he finally does :) Today my outlook is a little bit better- feeling more virile and like myself again I guess. Anyhow- gotta get ready to take my bro out on the town. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
8:32 pm	Blue balls. This is only the second time i've had them. Damn they hurt. Anyhow i got them from abstaning from any kind of sex since monday and after doing a lil ts session witha certain lionfox, well- they hurt badly. Tomorrow or tonight i hope they will be relieved :P My poor bf has no idea what i'm up to, but i think he'll be pleasantly surprised when he finally does :) Today my outlook is a little bit better- feeling more virile and like myself again I guess. Anyhow- gotta get ready to take my bro out on the town. (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 7th, 2002
9:08 pm	Hmm, been awhile since i posted. Need to use this tool more often but it doesn't feel righ tsometimes because I don't exactly want everyone to see this. Anyhow I feel a bit better after recieving a paper I did really well on- got a 98% and would have goten 100% if i had followed APA a little more closely. But then again- my mind doubts my abilities such that such high grades aren't given out lightly and maybe the grader was too easy on me. But at the same time i have never recieved less than an A on a paper, so i must be good at writing them. Many of my paper classes have been honor's and required a fuck of a lot of work. I guess since last semester it's been along time since i've seen my true skills come out and test well too. I've wondered for awhile on what intelligence is and if i have much or a lot, what does it mean. I've wondered why take pride in something if you're born with it and didn't work to achieve it. That's why I and many others ahve shifted from IQ scores and SAT scores and the like as all too unidimensional. I have told my parents and friends I don't beiliev i'm smart that I just work hard for my near 4.0 GPA with honors classes. I think i am smart in the sense that I have worked hard to cultivate my skills and to use personal integrity and some sort of inner strength to push through my academic challenges. So like my bodybuilding- i wasn't born with a large frame- I had to work for it and continue to work for it or it goes to crap. Things with the bf are going better, but my problems still stare me in the face. He keeps trying to make himself attractive and goes to the gym with me, which I know he hates. Especially since I am such a gym nazi to him :/ I'm hoping that once i get my body back to normal and pretty good looking, my self esteem can increase a bit and i can work on less trivial and superficial things. (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 24th, 2002
5:19 pm	This is for a friend of mine to respond to- Last night I went to dinner with some friends and a topic of conversation came up where one of my friends mentioend that online he had met a person claiming to be a werewolf and could shift during sex. He went on to describe it in great detail. My reaction was one of depression, kind of ruined the night. Sex and changing into a were at the same time is my ultimate fantasy- but having my mind deeply rooted in scientific integrity and skepticism- I know that there is a 99.9% chance this guy claiming to have this ability was a looney- and yet i felt depressed. I would like to discuss this at some point but a responce for now will do :) Especially since the person i want to respond has some knowledge oft his subject. Thanks :) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 6th, 2002
8:38 pm	Ewww, i did something pokemon related, i need a shower. (Comment on this)
8:37 pm	What Kind Of Pokemon Are You? (Comment on this)
7:00 pm	Testing this thingy out- Current Mood: crappy (Comment on this)